SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

By: Amy L. Chaves 

January  22,  2001

          The best lovers are those who share the same mental, emotional, and spiritual wavelengths. If you are a sexual person, you won’t be happy living or being married to someone who would rather watch TV than rumple the bed sheets for a night of sensual pleasure.  And there is no better aphrodisiac, says my boyfriend, than love.  And I fully agree with him. 

          A sexual experience can either be orgiastic or holistic.  The former is sexual intercourse for the sake of biological release.  Those who go for “recreational sex” report a feeling of fatigue, even a slight depression, and a general feeling of emptiness afterwards.  Those who make love because they love each other are able to transcend mere physicality and even goes beyond the mental, emotional level, resulting in a more spiritually energizing and emotionally satisfying encounter.  Lovemaking in this context is holistic sex where two lovers merge as one.  It can be the most enlarging and enriching experience if done in the context of genuine love.  In short, it is not the presence or absence of sex that counts in a relationship but rather the accompanying feelings and behavior.

          Many problems arise from sexual misconceptions.  Some people are afraid of sex—they fear being abused sexually, of not being able to perform well or of not being able to reach orgasm.  Oftentimes, these fears block sexual energy, causing needs to go unmet.  Fears and unmet needs could cause confusion and relationships get derailed because of these, especially if the lovers are not open and honest about their sexual needs and desires.  If we expect sex to be the solution to our problems, then we are in for a let down.  If we expect sex to be pure ecstasy or as the ultimate achievement, we are bound to feel inadequate when our own experiences fall short.  

       Others think that sex is dirty and therefore should be done in the dark, and should not be talked about except in hushed tones.  A lot of false guilt stems from this misconception and Filipinos are oftentimes embarrassed when the subject on sex is brought out for discussion.  I remember how my students in Philosophy of Love reacted when a classmate asked me about the meaning of two words that seemed foreign to them: blow job.  I didn’t answer the question right away but when the same question was asked and the lady students in the class were so curious about its meaning, I told them matter-of-factly that if they can imagine how they eat ice cream or lollipop, then that is how they treat the male organ of the man they love.  The ladies in my class almost turned crimson with embarrassment and the gentlemen can only give out an uncomfortable giggle.

          Myths and even some religions have long considered masturbation as immoral, abnormal, anti-social and physically damaging.  If it were so, then all the priests and other celibate people would have been either insane or physically damaged by now.  There should be no guilt associated with experiencing this joy.  In fact, sensual lovers should consider masturbation as a way of discovering what pleases each of them the most and learn how to please each other eventually in various ways.  There should be no limits to one’s creativity when it comes to sexual fulfillment and meeting the other’s sexual needs.

          In mature adults, lovemaking is not just intercourse.  It is a communion with another human being—a communion of body, mind, and spirit.  Lovemaking in this context involves all your  senses, your  past and present history as a person, your  values, your  preferences, and everything that you are.  Lovemaking is a meeting of two bodies, two hearts, two minds, and two souls loving each other, caring for each other.

          No person is too old for sexual enjoyment.  Accepting and sharing sexual pleasure with someone whom you love deeply can be the most liberating and truly satisfying human experience whether you’re 18 or 80.  To enjoy sex as an adult means to revert to a playful, childlike state of simply knowing what naturally feels good to you and doing it.

          It has been said, “the largest sexual organ in the body is the brain.”  It is your mind which is probably the most potent sexual device.  It is your mind that absorbs, interprets, creates, and feels pleasure.  Whatever thoughts you have, your body follows.  If you believe you are loved, your body manifests this thought and you will have a certain glow. If you positively anticipate a candle light dinner being followed by a leisurely lovemaking, feelings of arousal will begin to spread throughout your body even if you are only just beginning to  eat the appetizers.

          You are the expert of yourself.  Take responsibility for your pleasure.  Give yourself permission to feel alive, to give and receive physical love. Tell your partner what feels good.  Guide your lover.  Never assume that your partner can read your mind or your body.  And remember, do not over-emphasize quantity.  It is not how many times but how satisfying the lovemaking that is important.  It should be a tender, treasured act, which makes the earth shake and the stars to appear suddenly out of the blue.

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